Funniest joke ever

lol

A guy wakes up in the hospital after having his appendix removed and the doctor is standing next to his bed looking down at him.
Guy: "Doctor, Doctor...I can't feel my legs!"
Doctor: "Sorry sir, I accidentally amputated your arms."

2 doctors sleep together. Afterward the one washes her hands....the other doctor says: "you must be a surgeon". She asks why, and his answer is "you washed your hands before and after...."

She then states "and you must be an anesthesiologist"

He asks why, and her response is: "because I didn't feel a thing!"

The jokes are too long; it's been said that the perfect
narrative has elements of religion, royalty, sex and
mystery, which results in the following perfect story:

"My God!", said the the queen, "I'm pregnant! I wonder who it was?".

(disclaimer: not my joke, but I don't recall where I heard it!)

@goose: Urban legend has that it was a school essay which had to include those 4 elements...

Rude, but SOOOO clever

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Before the football match between Argentina and Brazil, An Argentinean condom company came up with this ad to show the Brazilians what they were going to do to them.




Brazil won the match and their Football organization replied to the ad.

Heard this old one again today.....

Not-the-prettiest-in-the-world woman with curlers in her hair, slippers, cigarette in mouth etc etc (what do you call "krimpelien" material in English) is in the liquor shop with her two small daughters.

Cashier asks her if they are twins.

She goes off her head: "What the **** makes you **** think that a **** 10 year old girl and a **** 6 year old girl can be **** twins? Are you **** stupid or what???"

"No", cashier said, "I just cannot believe that someone would want to sleep with you twice...."

Not funniest, but funny anyway...

The Blonde Mortician

A man, who had just died, was delivered to a
local mortuary. He was wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black
suit.

The Blonde mortician asked the deceased man's
wife how she would like the body to be dressed. She pointed out that the
man looked good in the black suit he was already wearing.

The widow, however, said that she always thought
her husband looked his best in blue, and so she wanted him in a blue
suit. She gave the Blonde mortician a blank check and said, 'I don't
care what it costs, ! but please have my husband in a blue suit for the
viewing.'

The woman returned the next day for the wake. To
her delight, she found her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with
a subtle chalk stripe. Furthermore, the suit fit him perfectly.

The wife said to the mortician, 'Whatever this
cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very
grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician gave
her back the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she said.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost
of that exquisite blue suit!' she said.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde said, 'it cost
nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was
brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an
attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his
grave wearing a black suit instead of a blue one, and she said it made
no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So, I just switched the heads.'

Also an old joke:

How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined!
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52.. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

Not rocket science neh!!!

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

Programmer's drinking song:


99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code,
101 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
103 little bugs in the code.

Klopper

TYT one man

It wouldn't be so funny if it wasn't so true

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

'I've outlived the bitches.'

Sorry .. yes it is funny

Funny Jokes